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I remember the heartbreak and guilt that I felt the first time I thought to myself…
“I can’t believe that I don’t enjoy being a mom”
I wanted to be a mom for so long and now I have 4 years olds and its a struggle
One thing that we aren’t warned about as moms are that are times when you don’t enjoy being a mom
So the first time that feeling hits is emotional and guilt-ridden
But that doesn’t mean you are a bad mom!
If you are not enjoying being a mom, maybe:
- You are burnt out
- You make bad moments turn into bad days
- You feel out of control
- Your expectations are not aligning with reality
- You are lonely
- You don’t get enough fun time
- Your partner isn’t meeting expectations
- Money is tight
- You are trying to be super mom
Take a close look at that list
None of them are “because you are a bad mom!”
They are all fixable in some way
You are human and being a mom is hard
So let’s look closely at some reasons you may not enjoy being a mom
PS. These are just some reasons and not an exclusive list
You are burnt out
Burnout is a common problem for moms
Burnout happens when you are doing too much that takes energy and not enough that gives you energy
Is there a better sentence that explains motherhood for many moms?
We don’t have time to eat, drink, sleep, have fun, take a shower, and more
And our days are filled with screaming children, cleaning, cleaning the same thing again, running errands, taking care of appointments, and more
If you are worried about burnout, read this article on recovering from burnout and this article on preventing burnout
You make bad moments turn into bad days
We have have days when we say “this was a bad day”
But was it really?
Or did you have some bad moments?
That is the language that I changed in my home
When my kids are struggling, I ask if they are having a rough moment
But many people will see one bad moment and say that they are having a bad day
Every day as a mom will have bad moments, but it is our choice and language that will give that moment power to become a bad day
You feel out of control
I can’t tell you how out of control I have felt throughout my motherhood journey
I had all these plans on how I was going to set my kids up for success by teaching them English, ASL, and Spanish
And that I was going to start working on reading and the alphabet early
Now my kids are 4 years old and have been diagnosed with a learning delay
Now they are possibly being diagnosed with autism
I have never felt more out of control and I felt like I was failing my kids
But sometimes you have to let go of the expectations you had and just live in the moment
When I stopped comparing myself and my kids to the vision I had, I was able to start seeing all the good that was invisible before
Think about the things that you can control and work on letting go of the things you can’t control
Your expectations are not aligning with reality
Similar to the last one, expectations can really mess you up as a mom
Listen to anyone that is talking about their future kids and you will hear expectations
- They will eat what I make without complaint
- They will never get screen time
- They will never throw a fit in the store
We need to let those expectations go and focus on reality because they are rarely aligned
When you spend time and energy holding onto expectations that are not aligning, you will feel inadequate and you will feel like a failure
Your kids are their own person with thoughts and opinions
And they will be their own person regardless of your expectations
So get to know them on a personal level instead of holding onto the image that you had before kids
You are lonely
Motherhood can be very lonely and assolated
I have times when I am desperate for a conversation
My kids aren’t talking so I don’t even have that
But there is no replacement for adult conversation
You may not enjoy being a mom because you are lonely
And that is very valid!!
There are options but they take work
Some moms feel like lonely connecting with social media friends
But I recommend real-world friendships too
One way to get those is by taking your kids to the park
When you are there, talk to other moms that have kids around the same age
Make conversation and offer your phone number to schedule a playdate
They are likely just as lonely as you are
You don’t get enough fun time
Fun time?
What’s that?
Having the time for enjoyment is hard when you have kids
They are destructive and a handful all the time
But if you are not having enjoyment in your life, no wonder you aren’t enjoying being a mom
You didn’t stop being a person when you became a mom
My solution is getting up 10 minutes earlier or spending 10 minutes before bed on something I enjoy doing
It doesn’t have to be a lot of time
You just need to have the time
Your partner isn’t meeting expectations
I had expectations on my partner for a long time, but I also was terrible at communicating expectations
So I just wanted him to magically know what I wanted and needed from him
Obviously, that didn’t work
Once I was able to communicate and once we made a plan together, that improved my happiness a lot
But not all moms have a partner willing to change and help
If that is you and you have communicated your needs
Something needs to change
First look at your expectations
I was a chronic over worker and expected my husband to match that energy
That was not a fair expectation
But it is fair to expect your partner to participate as a parent and clean up after themselves
You need a partner, not an eldest child
Money is tight
Money is a hard subject and can cause so many issues
When you don’t have the money to survive, being happy feels impossible
There was a time when our bills were $600 more than our income
That was so stressful and we went into so much debt
Sadly the only way to fix this one is to find a solution to the money issues
I worked hard to reduce our bills and my husband worked hard to find a better-paying job
Between the two, we were able to improve our situation
I decided to become a surrogate and that paid off our debt
Now I am doing it again to buy land with cash
The first step to fixing money issues is being aware of the issue and making small steps toward improving that stress
You are trying to be super mom
I think every mom goes through a stage when they are trying to be supermom
It isn’t healthy for anyone
We try to be perfect and do it all
But we aren’t meant to do it all
Kids need to learn to be self-sufficient
All kids need to learn to cook, clean, and be an adult someday
They also don’t need a perfect mom
They need a mom that goes through the same struggles that they go through
And they need a mom that shows them how to get through those struggles
Your faults are not a weakness
They are an essential part of being human
If you were perfect (no one is), your kids would compare themselves to you
They will never feel like you are reachable
So stop trying to be supermom
Ask for help, give tasks to others, and don’t be ashamed of mistakes