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My family has a history of many mental disorders
It runs deep and it is something I have had to work through
But does low self-esteem run in families?
It doesn’t seem very medical
But when I look at my family, it looks like it does
After research, low self-esteem does run in genetics, but it isn’t the end all decision
Environments control a lot, and you can increase self-esteem later in life too
Is self-esteem something you are born with?
Self-esteem is how much we value ourselves and we are not born with it.
We learn to feel good about ourselves mainly through the experiences in our lives
There are studies suggesting that our self-esteem is influenced by our genes, but environmental factors seem to influence it more
Most children have built a concept of self-worth by the time they are 5 years old
Self-esteem is something that needs to be built and practiced.
So even if you or your child is struggling with it, you can develop it now
It isn’t too late, but the journey looks a little different for everyone
How much of self-esteem is genetic?
Research has found that there is a gene that affects self-esteem
It can make building self-esteem easier or harder throughout life
But self-esteem is the product of how environmental factors affect the gene
So I will explain this using life examples
Now self-esteem (and poor mental health in general) runs in my family
We have more people who struggle than people who don’t… By far
So it is safe to assume that I have the gene as well
But the gene is affected by things that happen in my life
It is totally possible to have high self-esteem and life satisfaction, but it is harder than it would be for someone without that gene
My childhood did not give me the circumstances to fight the gene though
My environment made my low self-esteem worse
I had no plans in place to build my self-esteem, and many environmental factors decreased it
So yes, genes have a say in our battle for self-esteem, but they don’t have the final say
Through life experiences, social experiences, and mindset work, our environment is more powerful than the gene
Is low self-esteem caused by parents?
To say that self-esteem is cause and effect is a stretch, but it is a major factor
Parents have a lot of control over the environment their children live in
And the gene on top of that makes the parents even more responsible
But we are in control of our lives at the end of the day
The more factors that are not on your side, the harder building a powerful self-esteem will be
But it is still possible without the support of your parents
However, it may take time to be willing to try
Most of us have developed high or low self-esteem by the time we are 5 years old
This means that we have little control over it
We believe the things that we are told and what we see
Genes aren’t the only way that low self-esteem run in families
We learn from watching our parents too
For example, my father always told us that he loved us (good words) but never showed it with his actions
I read the lack of action as “I am not important enough”
So there is a lot that goes into building self-esteem as a child, and parents have a huge part to play
But if you did not have parents that helped you, you are still in control and can change your mindset with time and work
11 Ways to Improve Self-Esteem
Nature vs nurture is a battle that has been going on for years
But evidence shows that they work together
You have the power to use experiences to shape how your genes work in your life
That will be a process
For me, I had to cut out friends and family that were holding me back and harming my mental health
It was so hard
But the difference it made in my life is amazing
The gene that creates low self-esteem has less power if you take out the experiences that active it in your life
There are many gives and takes that can improve your self-esteem
That way you can create the life you want even if low self-esteem run in families
1. Remove people and things that prevent your self-esteem from rising
I mentioned this one already but it needs a spot on this list
Remove the people from your life that prevent self-esteem from rising
The only people that are an exception are your children
But it is rare that they alone make moms stumble into low self-esteem
It is often our perceptions of our ability to be a mom that harms self-esteem
I, personally, cut out most of my family because they were constantly putting me down
They told me all the things I couldn’t do and discouraged me every chance I got
I even cut out my own father because he was mentally abusive and my mother for a year until she was willing to accept boundaries
Do what you need to do to heal your social health
You’ll be amazed how much it helps!
2. Master a new skill and make it a big deal
How often do you challenge yourself?
Maybe that is in the form of cooking a new meal
Or learning a new hobby
Whatever you choose, learn something new and make it a big deal
Tell yourself that you are proud and that you did amazing
If you are like me, it will feel super weird!
That is because I was not used to celebrating myself
I always focused on the negative and brushed over the positive
My view of myself changed a lot when I started focusing on the positive emotions and looking at the negative analytically
3. Always think of more good that you did in a day than bad
What we focus on increases in our life
A fun challenge based on this is from high five habit by Mel Robbins
She told us to look for a heart in our surroundings every day
Make sure to find at least one every day!
The more you do that, the more you will see hearts around you
You see, we have way too much information around us for our brains to process
It isn’t possible to notice everything!
So the brain notices what you tell it is important
By focusing on the bad things that you do, you will only notice the bad things
By focusing on the good things that you do, you will see more and more good every day!
That doesn’t mean that you should ignore the mistakes, but don’t focus on them
4. Identify and challenge limiting beliefs
This is an ongoing practice for me
I use videos, books, my speech, and more to identify my limiting beliefs
These are things that you believe that hold you back
“I am not a good mom”
“I am a terrible cook”
And so on
These are just beliefs and can be challenged!
Anything can be learned and improved
Once you are willing to work towards it
5. Build positive relationships
This is partnered with number one
Not only do you need to cut out toxic relationships…
You need to build positive relationships too
Connect with people that help you build your self-esteem
Real friends that you can trust
A real partner who loves you
Be picky about who you let into your circle because social health is very important for self-esteem
6. Use affirmations
I am a fan of affirmations
They are a low process, but they are quick and easy to add to your life
You’ll read that you need to do each affirmation for 21 days in a row, but I don’t believe that
Some statements will be so against your beliefs that you’ll struggle with learning them
I use affirmations until I can confidently say without a doubt
That can take a year!
Just keep going
7. Learn to give yourself and accept compliments
I struggle with compliments
I was not allowed to take ownership of anything positive as a child
Pride was not encouraged and I was only supposed to “give praise to God”
I am not against religion, but that harmed my self-esteem a lot
By learning to give yourself compliments and accept compliments from others, you start to realize that you are a really special person!
Focus on the good, not the bad
Learning this can help teach your children to accept complements too
One way to fight our genes when low self-esteem run in families
8. Do things that build confidence
This is a little different for everyone
My confidence went up a lot when I dyed my hair
I love it!
But others feel that with makeup, spas, activities, and more
Whatever makes you feel good, do more of that!
9. Watch your social media intake
Social media is good for a lot of things, but self-esteem is usually not one of them
We see the highlights of someone else’s life and compare them to our everyday life
We see Facebook comments drama
Hateful comments
And just the act of scrolling for too long can harm our mental health
I started limiting my social media time
If I want to be on longer, I need to learn something on YouTube
I unfollowed people that harmed my self-image
I lowered how much drama I read in the comments
And I deleted friends that didn’t encourage me to better myself
My goal is to have one day a week be social media (and electronic) free
10. Clean your environment
Clutter is terrible for our health
It hurts our physical health, mental health, and self-esteem
Living more minimalistic can be a hard change, but it’s worth it
I am still working on this
I spend at least two days a month going through and getting rid of stuff we don’t need
Things need to leave the house faster than they come in
Or at least at the same speed
11. Practice gratitude – include things about you
This is another part of focusing on the good
Practicing gratitude is powerful
Fear and gratitude cannot live together
Start the habit with what comes easy
Be thankful for your food, jobs, kids, etc
But I encourage you to start adding things about yourself
Be thankful that you can cook, clean, and be an amazing mom
Keep focusing on what you do good and you’ll see them increase
So… Does low self-esteem run in families?
Yes, low self-esteem can run in families
But that doesn’t mean that you can’t change that
You have power over your life
Change your thoughts and environment, change your world
Some people will win the battle for excellent self-esteem easily
While others, like me, have to mindfully work towards it daily
Whatever category you are in, you can do this
Remember that you have more power than you realize
It is time to use that and change your life
I would love to hear from you!
Does low self-esteem run in your family?