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Insecurities in moms come in a few different forms, but usually, it starts with how moms feel about themselves
Feeling unworthy or not enough can breed many behaviors that are not good for you or your kids
The best way to break the cycle of insecurity is by working on your self-image and creating a life outside of being a mom. If the only thing in your life is your kids, you will start losing your identity the older they get. We shouldn’t stop our kids from growing up
I know that having kids takes up most of your life
At least when they are young
I have two special needs 4-year-olds and a large portion of every day goes to them
And I am ok with that!
But my entire identity cannot be just being a mom
Because kids grow up
It is only natural to want to stop your identity from going away
So moms baby their kids, turn into toxic a mother-in-law or fail to teach kids the skills they need to succeed without them
Our job as parents is to raise our kids to be ready for the world in a loving and secure way
You can always be there for them, but you also need to allow them to leave the nest
Another way that insecurity comes out in moms is through their self-image
We think terribly of ourselves and refuse to believe that we are doing a good job
This is also unhealthy for both you and your kids
What is an insecure mom?
An insecure mom is a mom that isn’t secure in her role in motherhood
This can be through under-involvement, overinvolvement, or always believing she isn’t good enough
Three very different ways that insecurity can show up, but they have the same cause
A mother not having self-belief and not having an identity outside of being a mom
Or the opposite, refusing to take on any identity of being a mom
None of these circumstances are healthy
Identifying as a mom when you have a child is needed so you can take care of their physical, mental, and emotional needs
And overidentifying as a mom stops you from teaching them to meet those needs on their own as they get older
The last one, feeling insufficient as a mother, I think is the most common
I have struggled with it as well
I felt like I could do things every second of the day and it would still not be enough
I could still do better
But that isn’t healthy either
It is important to be a human before being a mom
You need to be able to take a break, take care of yourself, and you need to be happy
Happiness is limited when your biggest bully lives in your brain
How does being insecure affect my family?
It may feel like this is a problem that only affects you, but it doesn’t
It affects everyone
It affects your relationship with your kids and spouse, it affects the way your kids act, it affects your relationship with future in-laws, and more
This is really important
I know sacrificing your whole life feels like the right thing to do (thank you society for teaching us that) but it only hurts everyone involved
Thankfully, you are here!
That means you want to change
How do I work on my insecurities as a mom?
There are many ways to work on your insecurities, but I found that these are some of the most common;
- Stop comparing yourself to others or to your mental image
- Learn to go with the flow
- Your kids need a real mom, not a perfect one
- Learn to be your own best friend
- Stay connected with other moms
- Don’t lose your self-image
- Work on your own dreams and goals
Obviously, they help you in different ways, but they are all helpful in their own way
I recommend choosing 1 or 2 to start with and adding more when you get comfortable with the first ones
Stop comparing yourself to others or to your mental image
Comparison is the thief of joy
It really is and we know that
But it is so hard to stop!
You and your family are unique
And most comparisons happen on social media or in magazines
Most of those images aren’t real!
So you are comparing yourself to a fantasy
It isn’t fair to you or your family
There are a few options:
- Remind yourself that things aren’t always how they seem
- Take regular social media breaks
- Unfollow people that don’t make you feel good about yourself
You can choose what you want to do
But if comparison is one of your struggles, then something needs to change
Learn to go with the flow
Going with the flow is something that perfectionists struggle with
Things are never going to be perfect
It is just not possible
If you keep trying to reach perfection, of course, you will never feel like you are doing enough!
When things start going crazy, instead of trying to fix everything…
Just go with it!
Unless it needs to be stopped
But be careful about your attitude even then
Kids will be kids
We can teach them but we should avoid punishing the kids out of the kids
Your kids need a real mom, not a perfect one
Going forward about being insecure about feeling like enough
Your kids don’t need a perfect mom
Perfect moms are actually not good for kids
Because they will never reach perfection
It is frustrating when they start struggling and they don’t know how to handle that because they have never seen someone work through struggles
Your kids don’t need a perfect mom
They need a real mom
A mom that messes up and shows them how to handle those mistake
A mom that is learning from those mistakes
You may not be able to be the perfect mom, but you can be the real mom
And that is always more than enough
Learn to be your own best friend
How many times have you heard “we are our own worst critic”
Why is that???
We need to learn to be our own best friend
How would you talk to your best friend?
Would you put her down for not washing the dishes last night?
Or would you tell her that things happen and that she is still a good mom?
If I had to guess, I would say the second one
Practice and learn being your own best friend and your own hype man
It is going to feel weird for a while
But force yourself to do it!
Get excited about every win
Even if that win is that your hair looks amazing
And give yourself grace and love with every mistake
If you wouldn’t do something to your best friend, don’t do it to you
Stay connected with other moms
Staying connected is important
We talk about how it takes a village to raise a child
But most of us don’t get a village automatically
And the village is rarely the people who claim to want to help while you are pregnant
But you know who my village is?
It has 1 family member and several friends
I made a village through friendships with other moms
They get us like non-parents would never
Just be careful who you choose
There are a lot of toxic moms
One of my friends completely set up a birthday party for my kids and another friend
It was so sweet and amazing
She knew I couldn’t afford anything big and rallied together enough people to each contribute so the kids can have a fun party
That is what happens when you stay connected to other moms that are on the same page as you
It really is amazing
Don’t lose your self-image
Becoming a mom is sudden and intense
It can be so easy to lose yourself during the process
It is easy to get caught up in the never-ending to-do list and to stop doing things that make you who you are
Some dads do this too but they seem to be better at holding onto their identity
But it gets so frustrating when they want to do things and it feels like we never get that option
But if you are anything like me, you probably haven’t asked either
Don’t lose sight of who you are when you become a mom
You are a person first, a woman second, and then a mom
That means you should have two full parts of your identity that are larger than being a mom
Don’t lose her and you’ll find yourself more secure than you ever have been
Work on your own dreams and goals
Don’t stop working on goals when you become a mom
It isn’t good for anyone
It hurts you and it hurts your kids
You will unintentionally feel obligated to things when your kids are older because of the sacrifices that you made
You may not be able to put your full focus toward your goals, but you can still make steps every day
If you need 20,000 steps, what is faster?
Taking 1,000 steps a year after waiting 18 years
Or taking 1 step a day while you are still raising your kids?
Yes, it will be less at once, but there is no waiting
You just make those dreams happen