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Being a stay-at-home mom is one of the most emotionally exhausting things I have ever done
Stay-at-home mom depression is more common than you think. It has a way of making you feel alone, but more stay-at-home moms have experienced it than ones who haven’t. Common symptoms are: being exhausted all the time, losing who you are, having no identity outside of being a mom, and more
As someone who has:
- Worked full-time and took 18 credits of college credit
- Worked three part-time jobs (3Am-6PM M-F and 3AM-7AM S-Sun) and took full-time college
- Took college, worked the 3am shift and had 2 newborns
There are more examples of exhausting things that I have done
But being a stay-at-home mom to twin toddlers with a speech delay has been the most exhausting thing I have ever done
I have little adult interaction, everything that I do is undone in 5-minutes, my son’s favorite hobby is destroying things, the cleaning never ends, the picky eaters and the list goes on and on!
Don’t get me wrong…
I love being a mom and being home with my babies
But I am still human and I have needs too
When I have to go 2 weeks without a shower because I have no one to watch the kids and my husband showers at night
And when I can’t remember the last time I didn’t spend all my time taking care of someone else’s needs
It is safe to assume that my mental health is going to suffer
Can being a stay-at-home mom cause depression?
Being a stay-at-home mom (SAHM) is not the cause of depression
But it is common among stay-at-home moms
This is because being a stay-at-home mom doesn’t cause depression, but the expectations put on most moms can cause depression
Most moms don’t have a partner that helps them with the house or kids
So let’s assume that in this example
The SAHM is expected to
- Work 7 days a week
- Pretend like it’s not work
- Start first thing in the morning and end when she sleeps
- Be ready to work in the middle of the night with no notice
- Keep everything clean
- Don’t control too much to avoid taking away a childhood
- Feed healthy meals
- Keep kids socialized
- Stay fit so you still look good
- Don’t spend time on herself because that is selfish
- Keep a career ready in case she needs it
- But don’t work
- Get told her 24-hour a day job isn’t a real job
- Not get paid
- Keep the laundry done, folded, and put away
And I could go on forever
Note: This isn’t what I go through. This is what I have seen happen over and over
If we fail at doing everything then we are a failure as a mom
With expectations that are not humanly possible… Are we really surprised that stay-at-home mom depression is so common and severe??
What is depleted mother syndrome?
Depleted mother syndrome is when a mother has been everything for everyone for too long and she is exhausted
As someone who tried her best to meet expectations like the ones above before
It doesn’t take long until you are depleted
What’s worse is when you are successful at doing everything at first and start to believe that you should always be able to do it
Everyone can do extreme work for a few days or a few weeks
But the pace will catch up to you
If you expect yourself to keep up that extreme pace forever, it can be extremely frustrating when you start losing your ability to do it
But the reality is that you are not supposed to be superhuman all the time
And trying to do that will deplete you of your energy
From a psychologist’s point of view, this depletion is not only physical…
It is mental too
When you are mentally depleted, your brain goes into emergency mode where it uses as little energy as possible
When you do a brain scan during this time, the brain looks exactly like depression
What does mom burnout feel like?
Another name for this process is mom burnout (or mommy burnout)
Different names but very close in meaning
Mom burnout is when you are doing too much for too long as a mom and you are exhausted
This isn’t a single-day exhaustion
This is waking up already tired and dreading the day because you have nothing left in you but you have to get things done anyway
To learn about the SAHM burnout stages, check out my article breaking that down
Basically, have you ever been very tired, but not the kind of tiredness that goes away with sleep?
You remember a time when the things you do were so easy and just can’t understand why everything is so hard now
You feel lazy because you know that you have 60 things on your to-do list but you just can’t get off the couch
Maybe your partner doesn’t understand how you are so tired when “you do nothing all day”
The reasons and situation around your burnout may not be exactly how I described but your burnout is valid
If you are tired but don’t understand why
You want to get your stuff done and your brain is screaming to get off the couch, but you just can’t
You don’t know who you are outside of being a mom anymore
Life seems dark even though you love being with your kids
You feel terrible because you want to love the blessing of being home but you really just want to disappear
You are not being lazy
Burnout is not laziness and it is something very real
Thankfully, there is hope
Burnout can take time to recover from and is a lot of work
But it is possible if you are willing to make small steps to heal yourself
Once you decide you want to be better, it is just as important to make a prevention plan so you don’t get stuck in burnout again
If you want to read more about burnout, check out my articles on burnout
There are many of them!
But the SAHM burnout stages article is a good place to start