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The mental load is part of the work that is required from life that is not visible
It is a common confusion that household tasks are easy and people wonder why stay-at-home moms are exhausted even though they don’t “work”
Household tasks require a lot of your mental load. They require planning, thinking ahead, paying attention, and more. Household tasks never end. You may catch up for a few moments, but even then you are required to think ahead. Thinking about what you need and when it needs to be done
Household chores don’t really require a lot of skill
You do have to learn the basics, but cooking is the hardest one
But the amount of invisible work that goes into every part of household chores is very heavy
Why are moms feeling overwhelmed when it doesn’t look like they do a lot?
Being a mom is a huge and overwhelming job
Putting mental load aside for a moment, let’s think about it
Imagine you have two baskets
One has a very heavy bag in it
And the other has a lot of little bags
Just because one has a single heavy item doesn’t mean that it weighs more than a basket with many little bags
Just because a SAHM doesn’t work doesn’t mean the load isn’t just as heavy as the person that is working
That is because many little things add up fast
Another reason overwhelm happens even if little work seems to be done is because moms have little people undoing everything that they do
I cleaned the same part of my house five times today
That doesn’t include everything else that I did
If every job had a person that undid everything as they were being done, every job would feel impossible
Just because the task was undone doesn’t mean it wasn’t done
Lastly, there are two parts of a mom’s job
The part you see and the mental load
The mental load is everything that you don’t see
It is thinking about the future, paying attention to what kids are doing, thinking ahead to guess danger before it happens, and more
The mental load of a mom is extreme
There is never a time when I am doing less than 3 things
You may not be able to see all three, but they are happening
What does mental load mean for moms?
Think about everything that you do
If it is anything like me, there is a lot of planning that has to happen behind the scenes
You need to think about how often you need to do laundry so you don’t run out of things to wear
You need to pay attention to the soap levels so you can do your laundry
You need to make sure the baby doesn’t crawl into the dryer
There are many little parts of each household chore that is completely invisible
Everything that you do takes energy
That includes the things you think about and have to remember
So now the one task of laundry has turned into 4 or more tasks that each take energy
There are ways to reduce this cost of energy, but most people are not doing them and not all of them are very helpful
Why does the mental load of household tasks affect us?
Everyone has a limited amount of space in their brain
The more that you store in your head, the less you have room for everything
Most moms try to store everything in their head
This will do two things:
- Make it more likely that we will forget things
- Will take a lot of our energy and leave us in exhaustion
Both are bad for us
It is like having a cup of water
Every time you have something to need to pay attention to, remember, or try to predict, you add water to your cup
Sooner or later, you will run out of space
What are examples of mental load that makes household tasks so exhausting?
There are a lot of examples of mental load
Paying attention to what your kids are doing is part of the mental load
Some more examples are:
- Meal planning
- Deciding what is for lunch today
- Figuring out whether to give the kids milk or juice
- Getting bedtime done on time
- Figuring out when everyone needs to wake up
- Keeping track of toilet paper and paper towel stock
- Remembering when appointments are
- Keeping track of where appointments are
- Picking outfits for the kids and yourself
- Paying attention to when dusting, sweeping, and moping needs to happen
- Planning to have a clean house for guests
- Making sure there are no dangerous items, like chemicals, in children’s reach
- Creating shopping lists
- Doing back-to-school shopping
- Planning vacations
- Making sure there are dishes ready for meals
- Keeping track of when to change diapers
- Listening and smelling for kids’ accidents
- Paying bills on time
- Scheduling service appointments
- Remembering to lock the door
- Remembering sick and personal days you get at work
- Researching something the family needs
- Thinking about what needs to be done tomorrow
- Organizing birthday parties
- And more
What are some ways to reduce the mental load?
There are many ways that you can reduce the mental load
The first thing I do is write everything down
I write down the meal plan and I do my grocery shopping in the store app
I write down when I buy an item and then figure out how long that item lasts
Then I can schedule in my calendar when that item likely needs to be replaced
Another thing you can do is ask for help and truly allow them to help
When you ask your partner to fold the laundry and then hover over their should to make sure it is done a specific way, you are actually adding to your mental load
Their way may not be your way
But you can’t do it all
Decide what is less important to have done your way and ask for help
The last thing I recommend is lowering what you need to keep track of
Decluttering and letting go of responsibility that isn’t important can reduce the mental load a lot
It is ok to say no!