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I have always had a perfection complex
I expected the impossible from myself my entire life and did a decent job at meeting most expectations
Then I became a mom and the guilt started
Who do I feel so guilty being a stay-at-home mom?
I do more than I ever had before but it was never good enough for me
The longer I was a mom, the worse it got
I had to find a way to stop the cycle
So I started with the why so I can create a how
Are stay-at-home moms happier?
This is a hard question because there is no way to answer without generalizing
But there are studies that show that working moms are happier and healthier than stay-at-home moms
As a stay-at-home mom is twin toddlers, I am both surprised and not surprised at the same time
I love being at home with my kids, but I struggle with just being at home with them
That is why I started this blog!
I needed something to work for, dream about, and achieve
While keeping tiny humans that don’t understand danger from serious hard is hard work…
It doesn’t feel the same
I feel useless when I am just a stay-at-home mom
I know that I am not, but I don’t feel happy
Then the guilt sets in!
I should be thankful and happier than I have ever been!
I get to stay home with my babies!
What is wrong with me??
Trust me, I have been there and still struggle from time to time with those thoughts
The work of a stay-at-home mom is never ending, so the feeling of accomplishment is rare
The dishes are done!
2 minutes later there are more dishes
Laundry is done!
There is more before you finish folding
The only way to feel accomplished is to get more done!
This keeps going on until you are expecting more than what is possible
There are more reasons stay-at-home moms are not happy, but that is the one I have experienced
What is guilty mother syndrome?
Guilty mother syndrome is feeling inescapable guilt for feeling like you should be doing more, feeling like a bad mom, or feeling like you aren’t making the right decisions for your child
Oftentimes, these feelings of guilt come out of nowhere and the mother is doing amazing
But she never sees that because she is trapped in a cycle of guilt
It is most common in mothers because of heavy expectations from society
Women are expected to be the main caregivers of the house
Doing everything for the children and spoiling her husband
We are expecting to be fully invested in our family at all times
There are varying levels of guilty mother syndrome which varies the effects that mothers go through
Guilty mother syndrome can have many effects that change the chemicals going to the brain leading to:
- Depression
- Low self-worth
- Being defensive
- Exhaustion
- Immune system damage
- Hormone imbalances
Mothers tend to expect perfection, and there is a lot of damage in always believing you are not good enough
Learning to let that expectation go can change your life in so many ways
How do stay-at-home moms feel fulfilled?
People feel fulfilled when they accomplish things that refill their soul
This is not the same for everyone!
Some moms feel fulfilled when they are cooking amazing meals that make the family happy
I love to make people happy
That’s why I got good at cooking and baking
It’s a universal love language!
My friend hates cooking
She feels fulfilled when she takes her kids on adventures and has fun
They go somewhere almost every day!
Just like self-care, feeling fulfilled is a journey you need to take as an individual
Amazing things happen in your life when you let go of the expectations that you have to be happy with things that make others happy
You don’t work the same way!
I am content just being around my kids when they are playing
I like playing with them but that’s not always what they want
And I’m ok with that!
My husband gets bored easily
He loves spending time with our kids, but they need to be actively playing with each other
There are solutions that make everyone happy, but he will never be happy if he thinks he should be able to just exist with them
Experiment
Find what makes you happy as a mom
And do more of that!
Often times it isn’t an action that makes you happy
It is a type of action
I like doing things for my family to make them happy
This could be cooking something they love
Or it would be buying a treat while I’m at the store
Even something as simple as taking my kids to the park!
My love languages are time and action
As my kids get older, I pay attention to what their love language is so I can do things for them
Is working or staying home with kids harder?
Everyone argues that what they do is harder than what other people do
I don’t know why
Just like a job, people will think that some things are easy while others think it is hard
I know people who think learning technology is really hard
But it is easy for me!
Some moms have to work and staying home all day would be so hard
Other moms love being at home and leaving for work would be hard
I can’t stand the thought of being a working mom
I don’t mind working at home, but nothing that requires me to leave my kids
Everyone reacts to the same life circumstances differently
Both working moms and stay-at-home moms work hard
There is no competition
The real question is…
Which one is harder for you
How do you reinvent yourself so you don’t feel so guilty being a stay-at-home mom?
If you are struggling with mom guilt syndrome, it’s time to make a change
It doesn’t help you or your family
The good news is that it is possible to reinvent yourself and the way you look at your life!
One of my favorite places to start is affirmations
These statements will help your brain learn that you are doing amazing and that you have no reason to be so guilty
They take time!
But they are simple to start and don’t take a lot of them out of your daily life
I like to do them every morning
But I also do an affirmation to counter any negative thought that pops in the moment
So if I find myself thinking “my kids wouldn’t have a developmental delay if they had a better mom”
I counter and really focus on “I am the best mom for my kids. We do the best we can with a lot of love. Things happen and it is not my fault”
I just keep repeating it until battling the negative thought stops
This has helped so much!
Those negative thoughts don’t appear as often, and I know what to do when they do appear
Another thing you need to do is redefine what a successful day looks like
And don’t let it get impossible again!
In addition to my morning affirmations, I also practice gratitude
I state 3 things I am grateful for and they cannot be the same every time
Of those 3 things, one has to be about me and my abilities
If you are struggling with guilt, I recommend practicing the four things I’ve talked about
- Finding what fulfills you and doing it
- Affirmations
- Gratitude
- Redefining what a successful day looks like
If you are here, I’m guessing that you are on this journey with me
I am sending lots of love and belief to you
You can do this!
Do you struggle with mom guilt? Let me know in the comments and what you’ll try first to defeat it!