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I have always been a thinker and a planner
I actually really enjoy it, but it still takes a toll when I am doing too much
Everything that we do, both physically and mentally, uses energy
The difference is that no one questions someone being tired from physical work
But a lot of mental work is invisible
And the effort that gets put in is ignored
There is a lot of mental work in motherhood, and we often call it the mental load. Remembering appointments, meal planning, thinking of household needs, thinking ahead, making decisions, paying attention to what kids are doing, and keeping track of where everything is kept is just a few
In my home, I definitely do a lot of the mental load
My husband is amazing and I do a lot of it to myself
Trauma has caused me to want to know everything and stay in control
I am working on that
But from carrying all the mental load for so long, it is definitely heavy
What is the mental load?
There are two types of work:
- Physical work
- Mental work
Most of the time, mental work has to be done before physical work is possible
But it isn’t as recognized because it is mostly invisible
Think about all the mental work that has to happen before building a house
Plans have to be made, numbers run, and so much more
All of the mental work is part of the mental load
ts of the mental load is just paying attention all of the time
Even while I am typing this, I am listening to my two kids to help me know what they are doing
If I don’t hear them or something sounds strange, I know to go check on them
They are just across the room but having constant awareness is mandatory
I am also paying attention to smell all the time
One of my kids is in the poop-smearing phase
That means I need to be able to catch that smell ASAP because he always quietly goes to a corner to do it
Being constantly aware takes a lot of energy, but is mostly invisible
People don’t realize how much goes into just being aware until they have to do it
And even then, we aren’t taught to appreciate that
I am lucky that my husband takes the night shifts when the kids get up because many moms have to be aware 24/7
I truly believe that I am able to do everything that I do because I can fully shut off at night
During the night, my husband is carrying most of the mental load
Is it as much as I do during the day?
No, but it is what there is at night
Just being aware of when the kids wake up and need him
Why is it important for moms to understand?
I believe that moms need to fully understand what they are doing for their family
There is a huge issue where moms think they are not doing enough
It can feel very repetitive doing the same things every day and having it look like they are never done
Anyone that has cleaned a house with toddlers understands
Every time I clean one thing, three more things get taken out
I have had to embrace the clean chaos
There might be toys everywhere but it is clean
I have had a lot of issues feeling useless
Like nothing I do is really doing anything
But the more I dig into the mental load that I carry, the more I learn that I am very valuable
I am the mental work that makes everything in my home run smoothly
Saying the mom is useless is like saying the manager is useless
But she is also the main worker
Even though motherhood doesn’t get a paycheck, the work that you do it priceless
I am lucky to have a husband that sees the value in everything that I do
And he reminds me when I forget and get hard on myself
But the more you pay attention to all the work that you do
Mental and physical
The less you can honestly look at yourself and say that you are doing nothing
What are some examples of mental load that most or many moms have?
There are so many examples of the mental load in motherhood, but these are some of the most common:
- Remembering appointments
- Planning meals
- Thinking about grocery trips
- Considering roadblocks or problems that might come up
- Thinking about household chores that need to be done
- Remembering homework that kids need to do
- Remembering events and birthdays
- Budgeting
- Making decisions
- Paying attention to where kids are at all times
- Knowing where everything is kept
I think you can recognize most or even all of these in your life
I have taken a few of these out of my mental load
For example, I don’t remember appointments or events
I put them in my calendar and set it to remind me a day before and the day of
If it is something that I need a gift for, I will set a reminder for a week ahead so I can get that gift in time
I do 2-week meal planning, but even deciding what you are going to eat that night is meal planning
They both require mental work
I find that 2 week planning required less work from me
I can get it all done in a half hour and not worry about it for 2 weeks
Just because I have meals set to days doesn’t mean that is always what happens
Sometimes I will swap days so I can eat something else
But the idea is still the same
Less mental load
Once I have my meal plan, I use a grocery app to make my list and just pick up my groceries every 2-weeks
There is a lot of mental load in motherhood, but you don’t have to carry it all
Use the tools that are available in today’s world to your advantage
You got this!