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I grew up in an abusive situation
It took years to even realize that I needed boundaries, then I needed to actually make the boundaries
But I had no idea where to start
I ended up starting the best I knew how
There are 5 types of boundaries
- Physical Boundaries
- Emotional Boundaries
- Sexual Boundaries
- Intellectual Boundaries
- Financial Boundaries
Starting with the types and then creating boundaries in each category helped me to focus and have direction
Boundaries are healthy and important
They keep us safe from abuse and people that will take advantage
Learning to enforce boundaries can be hard, but it is important
Boundaries are your right in life
Anyone who disagrees doesn’t need to be in your life
Physical Boundaries
Physical boundaries are what you are ok with and not ok with physically
There are no right or wrong answers
A big physical boundary that we teach our kids is not to allow people to touch where the bathing suit goes
But there are other boundaries that you can create for yourself too
One that I am teaching my kids is to tell people they don’t want a hug
Even if it is family
If they are not comfortable giving someone a hug, they have a right to say no
And so do I
People pleasing can make boundaries hard because people get really upset if they aren’t used to those boundaries
But you don’t have to be mean about it unless that is required to get them to respect you
Your body is your body and you have the choice to make whatever boundary that you need to feel safe
Emotional Boundaries
Emotional boundaries are a little harder to create
With physical boundaries, the boundaries are tangible
Emotional boundaries are not
But they are just as important
Emotional boundaries are what you are ok with dealing with emotionally and what you are not
One of my emotional boundaries is who I am willing to vent to and talk about things that are troubling me
I found out the hard way that not everyone close to me is trustworthy
I don’t have distrust issues, but I am very careful about who I share those emotions with
Who you have relationships with are emotional boundaries too
I had to cut off most of my family and friends because they did not respect my boundaries
Keep those relationships was not possible if I wanted to keep my boundaries
Romantic relationships are the same
One of the major things I looked for in a partner was someone willing to listen to what I had to say and care about what I had to say
I am big on communication
And I expect my partner to listen when I communicate a need or issue, and I want them to communicate with me as well
Sexual Boundaries
Sexual boundaries are usually taught early in life but most kids aren’t taught how to create these boundaries
We just tell them to say no if people want to touch them
Which is important!
But sexual boundaries don’t stop when you are in a relationship or married
That is a common issue in today’s world
I believe that self-defense needs to be taught along with sexual boundaries
Teaching ourselves and our kids how to decide what is ok and what is not
Teaching them to use their words to express those boundaries
And teaching them how to defend themselves if someone won’t listen to the words
Intellectual Boundaries
Intellectual boundaries refer to thoughts and ideas.
I was told as a child to be careful to who I tell my ideas because some people will steal ideas
But it is more than that
When is the last time you were excited about something and someone told you it is dumb?
Or they dismissed your idea?
Those are breaching intellectual boundaries
These events in your life really affect your mental health
Now if your idea is dangerous to yourself or others, then that needs to be communicated
But there is a right way and a wrong way to do that
There is never a time when someone should tell you that you are dumb or that you are an idiot
Another intellectual boundary is allowing comparisons
I think we have all experienced being told or hearing someone be told that they should be more like someone else
Any boundary that is connected to your personality, thoughts, ideas, passions, and anything else in your head is an intellectual boundary
Financial Boundaries
Financial boundaries are boundaries connected to money
I hear this problem a lot with boys struggling with a girlfriend that wants expensive gifts all the time
Your relationship isn’t a healthy one if it is built on how much you spend on your partner
But this can go for friends too
I wish I had financial boundaries as a child
Many of my friends growing up took advantage of me being the only one in the group with a job
They were friends when I could buy them things and bullies when I couldn’t
My child brain didn’t recognize that as unhealthy
I just knew that I needed money and needed to buy them things so I would have friends
Financial boundaries can be insisting that you have a job as a mom because you want your own income and career
If you are a stay-at-home mom, it could be deciding how to split the finances so you have your own money
This prevents total dependence which causes a lot of people to get stuck in relationships that aren’t healthy
Any boundary that is connected to money in any way is a financial boundary
Why are boundaries important?
Boundaries are hard to create and enforce if you have never done it before
But they are so important
Boundaries keep you safe and healthy
And they help you decide if someone is good for you or not
When I created the intellectual boundary that doesn’t allow anyone to belittle me…
Enforcing that was really hard
Because I had family that would do it regularly
I gave them a couple of warnings to stop and then cut them off
I felt terrible and hated every second
But the results were worth it
My life improved a lot
Boundaries are hard to start, but they get easier to enforce with time
And that first time that you see your life change before your eyes because of the boundaries you set will change your life
Who should you have boundaries with?
You should have boundaries with everyone in your life
They will be a little different depending on where you are in life
It is difficult to set boundaries with an infant
But create boundaries that are appropriate
Even children need boundaries
You creating boundaries with them helps them learn to create their own
Teach them how to create them and how to enforce them in a healthy way
The biggest difference is that you don’t cut your children off if they don’t respect boundaries right away
They are learning
But don’t stop reminding them and enforcing those boundaries
What do you need to do if someone is disrespecting boundaries?
What you do if someone disrespects boundaries is the hard part for me
The first thing you need to do is communicate that they passed a boundary
And communicate clearly
There needs to be no room for interpretation
Tell them what they did and how it made you feel
And them not to do it again
Even if you have to remind them a few times
Depending on the severity of the disrespect, distance may be needed
Major boundaries were passed a few years ago with my mom
I had to distance myself for a while and then reconnected when I was ready
You don’t have to cut them out
But sometimes a break is needed to help you recenter and help them know that you are serious
Your boundaries are not a joke
And you expect them to be respected