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There are 5 different categories of boundaries that you can have, but there are also 3 different types
These are the three types of boundaries
- Rigid Boundaries
- Porous Boundaries
- Healthy Boundaries
As you can see, these are how you approach your boundaries and not the boundaries themselves
Everyone fits into one of these three categories
But only one of them is healthy
What are Boundaries?
Boundaries are the things that you don’t allow in your life
Things that you won’t allow yourself to do or others to do
And they often include what your response will be to that boundary being passed
I was the kind of person that had a couple of boundaries to protect myself, but not nearly enough
I found my value in what I could do for others so other people walked all over me
The first time I set a boundary that resulted in a hard choice was when I was Twenty
I had to let go of a relationship that was very important to me, but it was hurting me
When I stopped allowing my time and energy to be sucked without any return, there were several relationships dissolved
If you are just starting your journey, that can sound terrifying
But take some comfort from me
It is worth it
Losing people will hurt and learning boundaries will be so hard
But your boundaries protect you, not steal from you
If you lose someone because of boundaries, they were never yours
They just liked that they could use you with no consequences
If you need help creating some boundaries, check out my post on the 5 different types of boundaries to help you get started
But there are also different ways to enforce your boundaries
You fit into one of these categories now, but only one is healthy for you
Rigid Boundaries
Rigid boundaries are boundaries that are intense and never move
I find that rigid boundaries are a possible outcome of trauma
You don’t want to be hurt again so you put these boundaries up that keeps you emotionally distant and on edge
There are inflexible rules that do not take the needs of others or a situation into account at all
Instead of protecting you, these boundaries become a barrier that you and others have to overcome
People with these boundaries often believe that their way of thinking and their beliefs are the only possible ones
They tend to have very few friends and struggle greatly with asking for help
People with these boundaries seem to be cold and closed off with a very defensive attitude
They prefer to be alone and they keep others at a distance to avoid rejection
Most of the people that I have met with rigid boundaries were really hurt before putting them in place
These boundaries became a shield to protect themselves from that hurt again
Not only are rigid boundaries inflexible, but they also breed the habit of looking for any possible red flags
They are so worried they will get hurt again that they begin seeing issues that may not even be there
Porous Boundaries
Porous boundaries are the opposite of rigid boundaries
People with porous boundaries either don’t have boundaries or are very lax
This is where I was before working on my boundaries
I was afraid of making people angry if I said no or if I made any rules
I was scared of losing people and became a people pleaser
These boundaries include ones that you have with yourself
Opposite of not sharing anything and being cold, people with porous boundaries tend to overshare very intimate details about themselves and expose themselves unnecessarily
They tend to be overly involved in the problems of others to the point where they suffer from problems that aren’t even theirs
Porous boundaries increase the chance of others taking advantage of you and increase your chances of being emotionally manipulated
People with these boundaries feel responsible for other’s problems
They struggle to say no to others even if the demands are excessive
They have high emotional reactivity and greatly fear rejection
Healthy Boundaries
Healthy boundaries match the name
It is the only type of boundary that is healthy
You are strong boundaries, but they are also flexible depending on the situation
There is a balance between Rigid boundaries and porous boundaries don’t have
They know what boundaries they are not able to compromise and what boundaries are able to change depending on the situation
People with healthy boundaries are willing and able to tell others no without guilt, and they are able to accept being told by others
Healthy boundaries give you good limits for others and help you understand your emotions, thoughts, and beliefs
And they help you take responsibility for them
Creating healthy boundaries is not an overnight process
You need to change beliefs, reactions, and sometimes part of your identity to create them
I was a massive people pleaser with porous boundaries
I have been working on changing that to someone that has self-respect and healthy boundaries for about three years
After three years, I have improved but I still get that tightness in my stomach when I have to enforce boundaries
But even with imperfect results, the change in my life is incredible
My relationships are stronger, I love myself way more, and I value my thoughts and emotions
I was so busy worrying about other people that I stopped being a person myself
I changed and molded into the person I thought they would like
That wasn’t healthy
I lost every once of my individuality
If you are in the same place, there is hope!
You can turn into the person that you are meant to be
Just make a little progress every day
Work on one new skill, one new boundary, one hobby regardless of what people think
Start small and set yourself up for success
Remember that this is a long process
Don’t be surprised when you find that you get better about one thing and find three more things that need work
You got this!