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Being a parent is hard
But being a burnt-out parent feels impossible
Then the guilt that comes every day is terrible
I have been there
I tried so hard to be the perfect parent, then one day it all came crashing down
Everything felt hard
Even playing with my kids felt hard!
I was frustrated and I didn’t know what was wrong with me
Parent burnout is a serious thing that comes from doing too much for too long without caring for your needs. It is something you can fix with time and effort but prevention is the best way to fight burnout. Prevention happens when you balance the work and play that you do
Now understand that balance doesn’t mean equal parts
And the play doesn’t have to happen without your kids
I am with my kids most of my waking day… every day
They go to school sometimes but the sickness year has been rough so it is very hit or miss
If I only did things that recharged me when I didn’t have my kids, it would still be a rare thing
It may take some time to find something that works, but you can balance your life in a way that keeps you healthy and prevents burnout
What is parental burnout?
Parental burnout is the parent version of the burnout you can get at work
You have been doing too much for too long
We are constantly told that we can not pour from an empty cup
I didn’t take that seriously for a long time because I was doing that
But the truth is that it isn’t impossible to pour from an empty cup, but doing it will lead to burnout
And that burnout with force stop most areas of your life
Your brain is an amazing thing
It knows what has to be done to survive
Think about your energy like a phone battery
You can use your phone all day, but if you want to keep using it then you have to charge it
It doesn’t have to be equal time
I can use my phone for 15 hours and only need 2 hours to charge it
But it has to be charged to keep working
Once the battery is at 15%, warnings start popping up
At 5%, basic functions start shutting down
Then it just stops working until it is recharged when the battery is at 0%
And if you let it get that low, it takes longer to charge enough to be ready for use
We are the same way
When our energy starts getting really low, we get tired
Then we start getting burnout symptoms
And then we shut down completely
The amount of time this takes depends on the person and the amount of overwork they are doing
But suffering from parental burnout is a serious thing that needs to be addressed
How do I know if I am suffering from it?
If you are reading this then you probably have a feeling that you are experiencing parental burnout
Once I realized what I was experiencing, it just made sense
There are many symptoms that you could be experiencing including:
- Lack of interest in fun things
- Total exhaustion even with sleep
- Depression
- Anxiety
- Emotionally numb
- Headaches
- Restless sleep
- Reducing efficiency
- Lack of motivation
- Irritability
- Overwhelm
- Lack of personal care
- Feeling helpless
- More illnesses
- Insomnia
- Digestive issues
- Inability to cope with little things
- Reduced sense of accomplishment
The list just keeps going
Anyone that has experienced any type of burnout will tell you, it is awful
But as a parent, you have little humans that need you
So you are going through all of those things, and the guilt hits that you are not doing a good job parenting
At least that is how it was for me
I saw every little thing that I was doing wrong
And everything felt very hopeless
What causes parental burnout?
Parental burnout is caused by the same things that all burnout is caused by
My mom used to call it “burning the candle from both ends”
Another common phrase is it is caused by trying to pour from an empty cup
You don’t stop being a human when you become a parent
And you cannot stop yourself from having basic needs
But parents everywhere are forgetting to eat, not taking showers, forgetting their hobbies, and more
They have lost every sense of identity and self-care except for being a parent
While most people think that is noble, it isn’t
This does two negative things
- It leads you to burnout
- It teaches your kids to do the same
As parents, we need to be modeling good behavior for our kids
And connecting self-neglect and love is not modeling good behavior
We need to teach our kids how to value themselves by first valuing ourselves and our needs
How do I fix my parental burnout?
If you already have burnout, you can heal
But you have a journey ahead of you
I won’t lie, healing from burnout fully takes time
You will fairly quickly feel a little better
But think of the phone example above
If you recharge just enough to function again, you are probably at 20% battery
How long will that last until you are right back at burnout again?
Not long
You need to bring yourself back up to 100% and then create systems that prevent you from getting that low again
The first thing you need to do to fix parental burnout is to stop the bleeding
Cut as much out of your schedule for a couple of weeks as you can
Your kids’ basic needs and you are the only priority
If you are a working parent, healing will take longer because you can’t just stop working
But takeout anything that is even slightly optional
Buy takeout for a while, let the house get dirtier than normal (spend time outside so the house doesn’t get used as much), and focus on rest and recharge
Start slowly doing things that you used to love or that you want to try
I don’t enjoy the same things now that I did before the kids
I had to start from scratch and learn what I like
If that is you, just start trying little things
The goal is to end each day feeling a little better than you did yesterday
If you use 40% of your battery, then you need to be charged 50% that day
Slowly work yourself to defaulting to feeling great
How do I prevent burnout in the future?
Once you are defaulting to feeling great, then it is time to prevent burnout in the future
It is pretty simple, learn how to balance what takes your energy and what gives it
This is going to be different for everyone
I hate laundry
It takes a lot of energy from me
But my friend likes it and enjoys the process of folding
Pay attention to all the tasks that you do and whether they take energy or give you energy
Then make sure you are rarely having days that take more than you get
This keeps you in the positive and helps prevent burnout from taking you down again